How it is

17 years ago

This is how it is. It comes through the Internet from a family clown and I feel obliged to pass it on to you.
Husband wants to help Wife with hearing aids. Wife has no patience with any part of the idea. Husband goes to Doctor for advice.
     “Here’s what you do,” Doctor says. “To test her hearing, speak to her from about 40 feet away in a normal tone of voice. If she doesn’t answer, move up to 30 feet, then 20, etc. until she answers. After you conduct your test, you’ll have something to talk to her about.”
At 40 feet and from another room, Husband says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No answer.
At 30 feet, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Nothing again. The same at 20 and 10 feet.
Standing right beside Wife, Husband asks again.
Wife says, “Earl, for the fifth time, chicken!”
Talent improves this stuff. On her birthday, actress and vocalist Julie Andrews appeared at Radio City Music Hall. For an AARP benefit audience, she performed “My Favorite Things” from “Sound of Music.” Her voice was as great as ever, and her lyrics were changed as follows to fit the occasion.

My Favorite Things
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident, Fixodent, dentures and glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad …
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin’
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’
And we won’t mention our short sunken frames
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a very long standing ovation.

For information on issues related to aging, contact the Aroostook Agency on Aging at 764-3396 or 1-800-439-1789. E-mail: or visit