Cup O’ Joe: A black hole basement

Why is it basements seem to be a giant black hole? If you have ever lost or misplaced an item, chances are it’s probably hiding in some nook or cranny in your cellar. And it’s mocking you every time your eyes glance over the hiding spot it’s found and yet goes unnoticed.
At least that’s my experience. A trip into my basement can sometimes be like a trip into Mardens. You never know what you’re going to find.
    The same thing transpired in my house in Thomaston. I hoped a change of scenery and a move into a new home would keep the basement from sucking in a variety of new crap to go with all of my old crap, but somehow, in less than two year’s time, my cellar is once again a catch-all for everything that you don’t use, but yet hate to throw away.
Compounding the problem, our basement had several items left behind from the previous owner, such as bathroom tiles and decorative lightbulbs. They’re perfectly fine, and yet I don’t see myself ever using them.
I spent several hours Sunday working to clean up my basement. It started innocently enough with a quest to find eight bolts to the ladder for our pool. I don’t know why I took the ladder apart last fall before putting it in the basement. Nor do I have any clue why I placed the screws in a completely different corner from where the ladder lay. But I did and it took me half a day of looking until I found them.
My father’s basement is somewhat similar. It’s filled with items dating back who knows how long ago, but yet is somehow perfectly organized. I have yet to master that trick.
My wife likes to tell me frequently that I need to just let go of things and throw stuff away. This proves troublesome for me, but not for her. I have difficulty tossing things out that still function or are usable. I have things that I may have no immediate use for in the present moment, but who knows what tomorrow will bring.
That being said, in my quest to locate ladder bolts I found numerous other items that have me perplexed as to how or why they got there. I am going to blame the “Basement Beast” for these things.
• Three cans of WD-40 — I’m not sure why I need three cans, but there they sit just the same.
• Roofing tacks — Seeing as I am not a roofer and a fear of heights, I don’t see myself climbing onto the roof anytime in the near future.
• Glazing points — Last time I checked, I wasn’t in the window repair business, so I have no clue why there is a package of these in my toolbox.
• Miscellaneous keys — I’ve tried them in every door in the house, and none of them fit. Why are they there? Did I agree to house sit for someone and forget to give them back? Why does it feel wrong to throw them away?
• Eight cans of various-sized nails and screws — While that in itself is not strange, the fact that they are all “Chase & Sanborn Coffee” cans worries me. I have never in my life drank that brand of coffee.
• 11 cans of spray paint — Who needs this much spray paint? I’m blaming my wife and her penchant for arts and crafts on this one.
• Odd headlight fixtures — I have two spare license plate lamps for the back fender of my truck. I remember taking them off an old bumper that was replaced many years ago, but have not had any need for them — yet still they remain.
• Phone cords — Seeing as how we only use cell phones, why do I still have a dozen phone cord extensions?
• Holiday lightbulbs — You know every time you buy a new set of Christmas lights, there is a little pouch attached to the cord containing a spare fuse and the “special” blinking bulb? I have every pouch from every set of lights ever purchased. Don’t ask me why.
All of this was found while searching just one corner of the basement. I shudder to think what the other three corners are going to reveal.
My wife has a different theory for what’s going on. She thinks my father is slowly emptying all of the stuff he doesn’t want from his house into mine. If this is true, I am going to need a much bigger house in the near future. The greater probability, however, is that the apple has not fallen that far from the tree and I simply can’t throw anything away.
Joseph Cyr is a staff writer for the Houlton Pioneer Times. He can be reached at pioneertimes@nepublish.com or at 532-2281.