The Star-Herald

Don’t duck the issue

Ducks — do not stop for the ducks. A new sign in the walking path area of A.R. Gould Hospital asks drivers not to stop for the ducks. This year, the fecundity of waterfowl in the duck pond has been very notable. What to do about the ducks?

Were the hospital to be located in China, the administration would recognize an opportunity and incorporate the waterfowl into the protein source for patients and staff in the hospital. Fried, fricasseed or boiled, the people will be fed. No cost. Free food — what a windfall. Here ducky, ducky.

If dining on duck does not appeal to demands for a fowl source, there are other options. Are you lonely on your walks? Would you like a pet that looks cool and quacks a few jokes? How about a duck? Remember the story “Make Way For Ducklings,” commemorated today in downtown Boston with life-size brass ducks outside the hotel made famous in the story? Now you too can own your own duck. Help the hospital’s building fund by buying a duck. Instead of bricks, the hospital could be built on ducking ducks. Accounting will serve the next quacker now.

With cooperation from the neighbors, a fowling competition might be held. Bang! A duck! The ensuing display of firepower, feathers and capture could set a record. Quack, quack, bang, bang. Scaring the ducks might send them over to Mantle Lake, where they would no longer be a problem for the cars of Northern Light customers.

No waterfowl fouling the retention pond.

For now, and only for now, just remember, do not stop for the ducks. They are nothing to quack about.

Orpheus Allison is a photojournalist living in The County who graduated from UMPI and earned a master of liberal arts degree from the University of North Carolina. He began his journalism career at WAGM television, later working in many different areas of the US. After 20 years of television he changed careers and taught in China and Korea.

Get the Rest of the Story

Thank you for reading your 4 free articles this month. To continue reading, and support local, rural journalism, please subscribe.